academic pressure

i can't pinpoint the time when 95% became the bare minimum. like those maths questions where you assume an unknown value to be x, my parents assume that i'm smart. they think it's linear, they can put x in any equation, push me to participate in every competition and expect me to do well because i'm smart. what they don't understand is that smartness is not set in stone, it is more like a dynamic equilibrium, like homeostasis, and i need to smoke this textbook jargon on a daily basis if i want to be remotely good.
 
funnily, it's always unspoken. the pregnant pause when i come back home on results day. their expectant half-smile. how the numbers flood their eyes like a slot machine and how there's always a 9 in the tens place if the hundreds place is empty. the question is tossed with feigned nonchalance over the dining table, how much did you score? if it is satisfactory, then dinner goes on without any hiccups. if not, then the numbers are wielded against me every time i want to go out with my friends. 

the work is never ending. right when i think ive done all work for the day, i find another batch of assignments awaiting completion. i feel like Sisyphus rolling a boulder up a hill,  only for it fall down and trample over my hard work, forcing me to start again. it feels repetitive and meaningless. i don't feel motivated to learn anything new when im so caught up chasing deadlines. it's so counterintuitive because these assignments were intended for better understanding of the topic, but ironically, are an impediment to the revision of said topics.

i am exhausted. sacrifice is a competition here, and everyone has something on the line. their sleep, their social life, their mental health. i wonder how long my flames can burn on my candle wick before all the wax melts away.